Sunday, October 30, 2011

Boo.


I slept for the last 15 hours so the drugs are kickin' in. I have the usual neck/head ache, but this time my belly is behaving.

Why is it that this holiday is now the "let's-dress-up-like-a-slut day?" Also, I am not a big fan of dead people hanging from trees or people dressing up like Casey Anthony holding replicas of her dead baby. Huh? I don't answer my door if a ghoul is are over 4 ft high. I mean reeeeally.

Our annual Halloween party is tonight. My kids live on a busy street so they come here to our quiet neighborhood to Trick or Treat. Yesterday, I was feeling far more tired than the day before, but it will be a pleasure having everyone here tonight, which now includes their friends and their extended families. Comfort food of Mac n' cheese, Sloppy Joes, salads, hot spiked apple cider and iced pumpkin bread will do the trick. The love I feel for these girls is indescribable. I miss Charlie and Will but they will be staying in Chicago. :(

Happy Halloween!









fun continued in Chi...

musica



Saturday, October 29, 2011

the weirdness of blogging...

I have flu symptoms and feel like I got hit by the tired-truck, but other than that I am making my pumpkin bread today and doing some chores. I feel like I'm on a desert with the thirst, which is good because this powerful poison apple is kinda wicked.



There is something narcissistic about blogging. Who really cares about what I think or what I feel, and most of my peeps email me and ask me how I'm doing anyway, so who is reading this? Then, I've come to the realization that for me, it is about the writing. What is it about the ka-zillions of ways you can put words together along with thoughts that have an endless flow of creation? I never particularly liked school. Having ADHD makes it hard to care about a square root or dangling participle. I was also social yet extremely shy, which is the contradiction that I live with today. I find humor in everything and yet find the seriousness of life gripping to me. It is difficult finding others who understand those opposing traits.

My mother was frustrated continuously by my inability to concentrate and so I ended up in art classes. Not a bad fit, but I think she may have underestimated my love to learn. I read philosophy blogs daily and have gotten to know some pretty heady people. I listen mostly, but if they enter my mommy-bailiwick, watch out. There are many philosophers who have taken their headiest ideas from a mom changing diapers. You learn patience, unconditional love, and you get to go to school several more times... not too shabby. I've never really gotten the math thing, which is embarrassing even to this day. I was the Home Ec teacher's drop-out. As a child I didn't even want to tell time because (gasp) there were numbers on the damn thing. Half-past? Quarter-to? Or is that Haf-passed and Quarta-til? I didn't have the nerve to ask and so I spent much of high school not knowing what time it was.

It was hard being little complicated me. Hell, it is hard still being little complicated me.

So, I sit here today with poison in my veins wondering about the rest of my life. One thing my mother did give to my brother and me were unrealistic illusions of grandeur and so, unlike many suburban philosophers I feel like I could be anything I want to be. That is quite a big task considering I only have so much time to fit it all in. At one point in this writing process I thought, I will NEVER do this again. I am such a perfectionist that I make myself kind of nuts. I lost my first editor because he thinks I'm annoying and crazy. Fortunately, I found a brilliant English teacher in Turkey who helps me when I'm feeling stupid. (Thank you, Jon, John, Tabula Rasa) I haven't figured out whether he is that hot Renaissance guy in his photo or a 300 lb. terrorist with acne. I just know that he has helped with me in this witching-hour of publishing this book with no decent editor on my radar.

My brother doesn't care so much about grammar, which unnerves me. My first editor was a grammar-Nazi, which was a sheer joy to me. I have so much to learn, but I am better on-the-job than in a classroom, which is why his red pen was like an orgasm.


*orgasm*

Even now, my head wanders into the sublime and the ridiculous while trying to learn. I've mastered all the keys and their inversions on the piano, and now I'm going for jazz scales. B&D, but that's just me. There is something called a chemo-brain, but I'm going with the blood-brain barrier theory of it having no ill-effects. Many women complain of this brain-fog, but most women around here don't pick up a book, or torture themselves trying to publish a book when they aren't a writer. That takes concentration. I appreciate my eccentricities now more than humiliated by them. My mother would have appreciated this latest accomplishment of mine in her own way. Who knows?

I am just quite sure that there are things in life far more fascinating to learn than what's going down at Nordstrom's Rack.

Lata.



Thursday, October 27, 2011

Chemo: before and after


December 2010



June 2011



August 2011 ( 4 weeks after it ended)



Scary.


I crack myself up.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

chemo Round 2


Enough blather. Facing my fear. I'm ready.

TWO WEEKS OCD

Damn.

I found three mistakes and used the same word in the same (oops, did it again) paragraph of TW, and at this point it will cost me. I am an idiot. I am an OCD, absurdly absurd woman with an absurdly bad habit of using words like "absurd" three times. I will be forced to be a Thesaurus-whore once again.

Absurd.

App tip: "I map my walk" on the iphone has now changed my life. Maizie looks fabulous with all the walking I do. I, on the other hand, can't zip my pants and have shin-splints.

Whatever.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

TWO WEEKS

Excerpt from my book. It will be on Amazon.com in 2-3 weeks. Woop.



I don’t know who I am anymore. I transport myself virtually as if I’m flying over countries I’ve never visited. I fret over uncertainties and dwell on mindless details. I corner strangers on the street with hyperactive conversation after only one cup of coffee. I find this planet absurd yet extraordinary, and am gripped with anxiety that life is fleeting knowing my time to make my mark is far too short. I obsess over leaving this earth after making a difference somehow, even in the line at the grocery store. I stay up at night worrying about lost children who aren’t my own, people being buried alive under earthquake rubble, my daughter driving alone at night, mother cows crying for their babies, and my family members drowning in my pool when they aren’t even anywhere in the state. It’s exhausting.


I refuse to waste precious time reflecting on who the next neighborhood watch co-chair will be, whether or not my diamond ring is polished, or the amount of dust that thrives on my bedroom ceiling-fan when life seems so unfair to so many. Why do I feel compelled to think I can rise above suburban complacency, unearth my potential of greatness, and appreciate the sheer power of my bizarre eccentricities when even finding a decent crease-color for my eye shadow is beyond my capacity? I am so in love with this strange, wonderful, brilliant and scary world that I am in awe. Am I the only one who stares out into the starry sky at night and wonders where in the hell we are?

enough...

Hit the gym hard today.

I refuse to allow this to eat me. It's a beautiful day and I am determined to change my attitude. Dreadly is not going to take over again.

The bitch.




sleep

I want to sleep all the time. I have no reason for this except that it is a classic sign of depression. Chemo is painful and scary. I just want this to end, but it isn't going to leave any time soon. This is who I am now. I must gear up for more of it on Friday.

Today, I want my life back.


Sunday, October 23, 2011

Results:


I'm OK. Thank God.

The doc said that the results were the best they could be. I broke down for the first time in months. Like... sobbing in front of him like a baby. He told me he needed a hug. (okay) I looked like I needed one. My cancer is not curable, he says, but manageable. It went from football to a pea-size. I have to go in for a chemo drug four times a month every six months for the next three years.

I won't be working again. Nice. I will babysit my grands, paint, write and play the piano. I will teach my babies how to play. I will contain myself from abusing the internet (lie), eating too much for fun, and making excuses not to work out when I feel perfectly capable.

Life is precious and I'm lovin' it.





Nonna is pretty darn happy. If it weren't for "Non's" -Hodgkins lymphoma, I might rule the world.



Friday, October 21, 2011

Nope.

As much as I try, there will be little sleeping tonight. Tomorrow morning is the result of my CT scan for the Lymphoma. I was surviving because of the chemo, and I have been off of it for eight weeks. So in the morning, I will find out if it is leaving or if it is coming back.

I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. I asked to go to the appointment alone. If it is bad news, I need to sit in the parking lot alone for a while and deal with the ordeal of my future. My arm is so black and blue that I am beginning to wear long sleeves because I look like a heroin addict. I went to the ER last week (again) due to passing out after my blood being drawn. (again) I was hooked up and watched for four hours. The chemicals have all but ruined my joints, and I creak when I get out of a chair. I dream of working out, but I am not sure I ever will again.

I am gaining weight which pisses me off. Sitting is just not my thing, but it is all I feel like doing. I think that that attitude is due to depression. If they tell me I am okay, I will be going to the gym in the morning and hitting it hard.

I can only hope.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

yo.... Tabula Rasa - yea, I'm talkin' to YOU.





Here is my photo for the book. I have never looked this damn serious in my entire life but... I have a barcode now - so watch out, baby. My book should be out by Christmas. TWO WEEKS by S.W. Feldman. Amazon!

mockup - I'm lovin' it.



Get your pen out, and get off your butt, Tab.

Maybe...

I should stay away from TV and the internet. There is a shortage of chemo. Now this could make me toss and turn at night. I'd be better off watching the Disney Channel!


And I thought I hated the stuff. I want more.

Whaaaaaaaaaaa.

Monday, October 17, 2011

It's ok.

Now that was a hard week.

Benign.

I really thought that that was it - the kind of results that mean, "Sally, you are now going to die." I also had my CT scan on Friday which will tell me the state of the Lymphoma. I will know the re-"sluts" of Mama dreadly on Friday, the 21st. I am in denial and the emotion of all this only grabs me fleetingly. When it does, I act like a damn fool and cry when I shouldn't. I don't let on to my family just how scary this has been and so they think I'm just fine.

That is the way I like it, but (frankly) cancer is just not fun. It is a mind-bender. If you can get the death/fear out of your mind, you can run around like everything is just peachy. Hey, I don't work, I spend like a drunken fool, I work out, paint, write and basically just play. I play with my grandchildren when I feel like it, which is all the time.

I dunno. I think my life is pretty fantastic for the big C..


Here's my beeeeeautiful family. Suffering? Not really too bad. I'm good at smiling through it. With this much family entertainment, I can forget about it pretty easily.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

breast lump

Early 7AM surgery
Up at at 5, but didn't sleep very well.
Much more worried about the results within the next five days, but not dwelling on the negative.

Home by noon, slept all day. It is now 9:20PM and I'm in a lot of pain.

Drugs rule.

I'll be glad to know if I have another type of cancer... how lucky can one woman be?

Saturday, October 8, 2011

oh no


Went for the mammogram and I have a lump in my left breast. Badumbum.

Not sure whether to laugh or cry. I go in for surgery on Tuesday for a lumpectomy.... this is unrelated to my NHL. I am the luckiest woman in the whole world. Wish me luck. Results on Thursday.

gah.