a beautiful gift from my very first girlfriend...

Chris, my mother and me ->

Barbara and me

(circa 1956)

I grew up being a part of the Ives family.

I fled from the scene of the crime ( home sweet home) and I was never supervised by my mother as a child. I had this HUGE moral standard from very early on. Was it Christian guilt? I wasn't sure. Probably. I did very little to disappoint my disappointed mother. At least that she knew about. I've been friends with the Ives since I was around five years old. We were neighbors with her Aunt Ellen and so we got to know the whole family. Our families went to Nantucket one summer and Barbara sent me these pictures from that summer (some of the only ones I have of my childhood) and so you can imagine how much they meant to me.

I have my fondest memories of being with her family. We had long overnights talking about sex and rock and roll. We smoked cigarettes, shared our love of the Motown and the Beatles, drove cars at (like) fourteen, and drank just about everything. I was a "moral" sort but that didn't mean I didn't experiment. Barbara, Bobby and Johnny were my childhood and because my mother didn't seem to care where I was, we were a wild little bunch. Compared to many (today) we were tame, but there was alcohol, Tareytons, with no worry about my mother smelling it on my breath. She wouldn't have cared.

Barbara's mother was very liberal but extremely caring and loving. We used to bake cookies in her kitchen and she was the first "mom" to teach me about "that time of the month." We used to call it "the curse." I haven't remembered that until just now. We shot pistols in her dad's basement and I shudder to think of it today. I mean real (huge) pistols with real bullets "for fun"... I'm sure he had some kind of special setup, but when I think of that random ricochet to my preteen brain - it makes me cringe. My mother was just not available for much - but I still never told her about that.. Plus, she was so angry all the time that staying away from her was the better choice. Mariana was never angry and so I lived at the Ives' house. Actually I escaped there for years.

Bobby always felt like my boyfriend and yet it was never spoken. I was madly in love with Bobby my entire teenage life and would wait for hours just to see his turquoise Chevy ride up the hill on Harts Lane. I knew his schedule intimately, and have to chuckle when I think I the inordinate amount of time I used to do that. He looked like Paul Newman... at least to me.

Barbara was my best childhood memory and my one greatest regret in my life is not being able to have shared my family with hers. Her mother, Mariana was a real mother to me. I lovelovelove her.

I've slept most of the day. I feel so very tired today and all I want to do is sleep. Good news today -- I've lost 5" in my waist so the chemo must be working.

Thanks, Susan, for bringing me lunch today. I enjoyed it more than you know. Boredom and sleep rule my life so company is deeelightful.

It would be very, very easy to become a junkie by June.

xoxo

Sailing in Nantucket

Shades of "Little Rascals"

Bathing beauties. Barbara was such a rebel.

Sara Marie probably shuddered over this one. LOL

Mariana, Barbara, Johnny and Paul Newman