heavy metal...

All I can think of is how the metal in my body has accumulated to the point of destroying all things Sally. I have no energy. I am no longer talkative. I don't want to be around people because they suck the life out of me. I'm not into food because food doesn't taste good. I sleep much of the day.

I am beginning to dread the last two chemo treatments. This is the sickest I've ever been, and am only writing this so I can remember it. I could never have imagined this loss of energy where breathing is even a chore. I am very blessed to see light at the end of the tunnel in July. I pray that I will be able to finish chemo and get ready to detox and heal. I can't wait to feel like Sally again. I have no idea where she is.

lift and shine!

Every day I have decided to purge my stuff so when I'm finished with this nonsense I will at least have a cleaner house. So, this morning I am looking at my bathroom closet and realized that I have an entire basket filled with the saddest bottles I've ever seen:

Lift and Shine

Smooth away tangles

Curl scrunching gel

Curl enhancing conditioner

Mousse coiffante

Hair Healer

Root Lifting Spray

Prevent Split Ends

No Frizz

Protective Volumizing Mousse

Bumble and Bumble Straightener

Anti-Fade

Glisten

Do I need to go on? There is tress-mourning this morning.

America wake up!

The Schwan man dropped off a catalog in our neighborhood and there wasn't one single thing in there that didn't have processed carbs or sugar. Pathetic.

Sugar feeds cancer, apparently, so it isn't in da plan. So, that means processed white carbs are totally out, and pasta is out. Not being a meat-eater leaves me limited to say the least, but I'm on it.

I walked the dog today which was a bit deal, and was in tears on Sunday because I miss working out so much. It is my hobby and I can see my arms losing muscle which is killing me. I bought a Malibu Pilates and sent it back - what a bulky joke; don't waste your money. I decided my dog is getting fat and I will be the only person in a tri-state area that will gain weight on chemo. Only me. I do yoga, which is challenging but with painters at my house and no shutters installed yet, I am in a fishbowl, so none of it is working. Bad enough that they see me sleeping, yet making a fool out of my own bald self stretching and groaning.

I included a nice photo of my Jim Jones fluid that they poured into my arm yesterday. Gross. It takes an incredible amount of mental fortitude to not go bananas on the poor nurse who gets me that day. Just had my 4th chemo so I'm getting to be an old pro - taking it without grimacing. I sat next to a man who was having his first and I just wanted to hold his hand and tell him my tricks to get through it. I wish I could tell him it wouldn't hurt, but I'd be lying. Here are my tips:

Take baths

Take your painkillers

Quit fighting to act normal - you can't and aren't

Drink water or you will be in trouble

Take a laxative or you will deliver a brick the first time out

Take a sleeping pill on your Predisone days or you will be awake the entire night

Do NOT drink caffeine on those days either (they tell you nothing in Indiana)

Shave your head early

If you need a wig - buy it the first week

Buy popsicles - natural if you can make/buy them

Your diet will be limited, so figure out some bland things you like and stick to them - no crying

If you begin to get emotional, take Xanax. It was invented for you

If you are a woman, it feels like when you came home for the first week... your body isn simply not your own

If you don't want company stop feeling guilty. I didn't on Easter and Mother's Day.

Are you kidding me, Mr. Jones? I opted out of my photo - I looked like a belonged in a coffin, so I just gave you my toes and my drugs.

75%

of tumor GONE.

wooohooooooooooo

a beautiful weekend!!

The girls like my wigs much better than I do. I am beginning to rebel.

I love feeling like myself and it certainly was a nice weekend. My chemo is tomorrow morning at 9am and I do get to hear the results of my mid-point ct scan.

I have the 4th chemo. It is wearing me out, and I look 10 years older. I'm exhausted. Chemo is cumulative, and I can feel its evil effects on my body. I do plan on a drug regimen tomorrow as soon as I can to cut the pain off at the pass. I hope it works. P-e-r-c-o-s-e-t rocks the big one. I got one from Nanny and I am hooked. I have no idea how she takes two because she weighs around 92 lbs. hmm

One of them knocked my sorry butt on the floor. I'm off to pack my bag for entertainment tomorrow. I usually don't need anything but a pillow. They drug me with Benedryl for most of the day. Fun.

Appreciate your life without pain. I live for this to be over.

Thank you Jamie, Lauren and Robin for the beautiful bracelets and poem for all the Feldman ladies. So thoughtful.

xoxo

Here's the thing...

This cancer thing has a learning curve.

The first two weeks is a Xanax trip because it is all about stress and fear of dying.

The next few weeks is about figuring out how to be comfortable and stop from killing yourself from boredom before the cancer kills you.

The next few weeks is to wake up to realize that you are probably the only person on the planet who will gain weight during chemo, and come to terms that you must resort to controlled dieting or become really obese. Only me.

I now understand that you get chemo, you have exactly one day and 3 hours before you are utterly sick for fifteen days. You then have seven days of feeling normal. Each chemo you get sicker and weaker. It is a head- trip.

You must determine what you can and cannot eat during the fifteen days. It is living hell especially if you love to eat. I eat to stay alive during this time because I can taste nothing. My taste buds are gone until day 15. I am usually in tears by day 6.

Caffeine and Prednisone do not mix. They don't tell you this in Indiana. hyper+hyper+Sally=death.

Losing your hair is more horrifying than you think.

Cancer is sent from God. I appreciate every person in my family around 100 times more than I did. I also realize who my friends are. It becomes crystal clear in a very short time. I am far more spiritual and more sure of what is important. I no longer care about stupid things and obsess about broken dishes. I don't even care if I HAVE dishes. On my good week, I am almost giddy as I go through my normal day that I used to take for granted. Health is unappreciated by most.

Indiana is a backward state and it pisses me off that I was sent home with evil chemicals in my body with absolutely zero information about holistic ways to help me heal. Shame on them. Massage is essential as are hot baths. I am beyond appalled with the lack of advice I've gotten about nutrition and it if weren't for the internet I would not have survived this siege to my immune system and to my emotional state. If I didn't have a sense of humor, I would have committed harakiri weeks ago.

I fought taking pain killers and now realize they were invented for me.

I will be forever changed. Believe it or not, it is in a very good way. If I had known, I would have prayed to get cancer a long time ago. It is a gift.

who knew?

ct

My midpoint CT scan is tomorrow - so I am excited to see a change. Let's hope there is one.

Felt great today which turned on a dime from yesterday. Doc says dreadly seems half its size and I know my belly has gone way down. I will be happy to have my life back.

Tonight, the kids came over to dinner. Lily said, "Non, if you take that hat off again, I'm leaving."

xo