TWO WEEKS

Excerpt from my book. It will be on Amazon.com in 2-3 weeks. Woop.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I transport myself virtually as if I’m flying over countries I’ve never visited. I fret over uncertainties and dwell on mindless details. I corner strangers on the street with hyperactive conversation after only one cup of coffee. I find this planet absurd yet extraordinary, and am gripped with anxiety that life is fleeting knowing my time to make my mark is far too short. I obsess over leaving this earth after making a difference somehow, even in the line at the grocery store. I stay up at night worrying about lost children who aren’t my own, people being buried alive under earthquake rubble, my daughter driving alone at night, mother cows crying for their babies, and my family members drowning in my pool when they aren’t even anywhere in the state. It’s exhausting.

I refuse to waste precious time reflecting on who the next neighborhood watch co-chair will be, whether or not my diamond ring is polished, or the amount of dust that thrives on my bedroom ceiling-fan when life seems so unfair to so many. Why do I feel compelled to think I can rise above suburban complacency, unearth my potential of greatness, and appreciate the sheer power of my bizarre eccentricities when even finding a decent crease-color for my eye shadow is beyond my capacity? I am so in love with this strange, wonderful, brilliant and scary world that I am in awe. Am I the only one who stares out into the starry sky at night and wonders where in the hell we are?

enough...

Hit the gym hard today.

I refuse to allow this to eat me. It's a beautiful day and I am determined to change my attitude. Dreadly is not going to take over again.

The bitch.

sleep

I want to sleep all the time. I have no reason for this except that it is a classic sign of depression. Chemo is painful and scary. I just want this to end, but it isn't going to leave any time soon. This is who I am now. I must gear up for more of it on Friday.

Today, I want my life back.

Results:

I'm OK. Thank God.

The doc said that the results were the best they could be. I broke down for the first time in months. Like... sobbing in front of him like a baby. He told me he needed a hug. (okay) I looked like I needed one. My cancer is not curable, he says, but manageable. It went from football to a pea-size. I have to go in for a chemo drug four times a month every six months for the next three years.

I won't be working again. Nice. I will babysit my grands, paint, write and play the piano. I will teach my babies how to play. I will contain myself from abusing the internet (lie), eating too much for fun, and making excuses not to work out when I feel perfectly capable.

Life is precious and I'm lovin' it.

Nonna is pretty darn happy. If it weren't for "Non's" -Hodgkins lymphoma, I might rule the world.

Nope.

As much as I try, there will be little sleeping tonight. Tomorrow morning is the result of my CT scan for the Lymphoma. I was surviving because of the chemo, and I have been off of it for eight weeks. So in the morning, I will find out if it is leaving or if it is coming back.

I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. I asked to go to the appointment alone. If it is bad news, I need to sit in the parking lot alone for a while and deal with the ordeal of my future. My arm is so black and blue that I am beginning to wear long sleeves because I look like a heroin addict. I went to the ER last week (again) due to passing out after my blood being drawn. (again) I was hooked up and watched for four hours. The chemicals have all but ruined my joints, and I creak when I get out of a chair. I dream of working out, but I am not sure I ever will again.

I am gaining weight which pisses me off. Sitting is just not my thing, but it is all I feel like doing. I think that that attitude is due to depression. If they tell me I am okay, I will be going to the gym in the morning and hitting it hard.

I can only hope.

yo.... Tabula Rasa - yea, I'm talkin' to YOU.

Here is my photo for the book. I have never looked this damn serious in my entire life but... I have a barcode now - so watch out, baby. My book should be out by Christmas. TWO WEEKS by S.W. Feldman. Amazon!

mockup - I'm lovin' it.

Get your pen out, and get off your butt, Tab.

Maybe...

I should stay away from TV and the internet. There is a shortage of chemo. Now this could make me toss and turn at night. I'd be better off watching the Disney Channel!

And I thought I hated the stuff. I want more.

Whaaaaaaaaaaa.

It's ok.

Now that was a hard week.

Benign.

I really thought that that was it - the kind of results that mean, "Sally, you are now going to die." I also had my CT scan on Friday which will tell me the state of the Lymphoma. I will know the re-"sluts" of Mama dreadly on Friday, the 21st. I am in denial and the emotion of all this only grabs me fleetingly. When it does, I act like a damn fool and cry when I shouldn't. I don't let on to my family just how scary this has been and so they think I'm just fine.

That is the way I like it, but (frankly) cancer is just not fun. It is a mind-bender. If you can get the death/fear out of your mind, you can run around like everything is just peachy. Hey, I don't work, I spend like a drunken fool, I work out, paint, write and basically just play. I play with my grandchildren when I feel like it, which is all the time.

I dunno. I think my life is pretty fantastic for the big C..

Here's my beeeeeautiful family. Suffering? Not really too bad. I'm good at smiling through it. With this much family entertainment, I can forget about it pretty easily.

breast lump

Early 7AM surgery

Up at at 5, but didn't sleep very well.

Much more worried about the results within the next five days, but not dwelling on the negative.

Home by noon, slept all day. It is now 9:20PM and I'm in a lot of pain.

Drugs rule.

I'll be glad to know if I have another type of cancer... how lucky can one woman be?

oh no

Went for the mammogram and I have a lump in my left breast. Badumbum.

Not sure whether to laugh or cry. I go in for surgery on Tuesday for a lumpectomy.... this is unrelated to my NHL. I am the luckiest woman in the whole world. Wish me luck. Results on Thursday.

gah.