why he practices...

"At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want."

- Lao Tzu

Why is it that we try so hard to avoid the essence of who we are? That subtle voice tells us what we need and what we should be attempting. Innately, we know our talents and yet we fight them. We tell ourselves we aren't good enough, and fear rolling down that hill even if we know that there could be a soft cushion to break the fall at the bottom. We are taught that we will hit a big rock. We are conditioned not to try new things because we could screw it up and make fools of ourselves.

Some of the most rewarding experiences I've had were jumping into areas where I didn't think I belonged. It made me nervous and wary. My heart pounded as I stood on a stage singing, taught something to a crowd or took a class when I knew full well I could fall on my face.

I fear for those who don't go searching into this scary world, but watch it instead from afar inside of their anxiety. What they don't know is that jumping into the fire allows them to singe their dread and soar into the unknown towards a more meaningful life.

I heard a quote once that said, "do what you would do if you knew you couldn't fail." I say... do all things that you are almost positive of your personal failure, and it is in that scary place in which you learn to grow. Relish in the fear.

Why are you waiting?

skinny

Our culture is obSESSED with being so. I aspire for my tombstone to say much more than...

S. W. Feldman... she was so skinny.

Lovely

joy...

I think people with simpler, duller minds have more joy. I've experienced this from the time when I was a little girl. My mother was a brilliant woman and knew about things that could impress the Gods. She was well- educated, well-read, and had the mind of a steel rat. Also, she was complicated, angry, unhappy, depressed, chronically cruel and sick. She was petty and unfair. I didn't trust anything about her which made me insecure and teeter on the brink emotionally throughout the course of my life.

Nevertheless, this kind of upbringing gave me a great capacity to search for joy in the littlest things. To me, there is absolutely nothing more important in life than humor, or being a dreamer and a silly-heart. It gets me through shame and anxiety. Joy makes me patient and gives me perspective about the importance of moving away from negative people. I don't believe in the Devil, but if there is such a type, they exist here on Earth hobnobbing with their entourage of pessimistic humans who think they have wisdom.

Given the choice of being around a smart, mean person or a dull, joyful one... I will forever choose the latter. I take great pride in being a twiddler, a jabberbox and a silly-heart. We dull, joyful types are just downright happier.

anti-angiogenesis...

hats

I've tried on many with religion and I have come to several conclusions:

I believe in love. I am a promoter of love and that is all God stands for. Love=God. I don't believe in religion of any sort because most of them cause cultural dis-ease. I don't believe in a cranky supreme being or judgmental overlord, but just the importance of honoring and living in a loving place. That way of life opens doors to good people, a beautiful family and a loving, fulfilling existence.

It's enough.

Every emotional reaction from our adulthood comes from a deeper place in our childhood. I've decided to remember this and take a breath when a person compromises my ego. If I take a mental beat and analyze the origin of the sting it calms down the edgy beastie inside me who gets angry enough to make the offender pay dearly. I must repeat to myself,

1. "I am not nine-years-old"

2. "No one is trying to crucify me today."

3. "Just because I didn't have control then doesn't mean I don't have control now."

4. "Emotional reactions show weakness."

5. "Silence takes them out."

"I must repeat #5 to myself twice (silencing a Wilkinson is a hefty challenge indeed).

religion flowchart...

Sonoma 2011

First outing with a chemo- cut...

(Last night, I don't remember posting this photo that my friend took at her daughter's wedding in August... My inebriated blogging was done after yesterday's Sonoma-coma wine-fest, and... me being me, I had to take drunk-dialing to the next level.)

10 days

Sonoma!

Rachel

This song reminds me of my daughter because she plays it so beautifully on the piano. What she doesn't know is that this was my most fulfilling teaching experience... to be with her and understand her talent. She didn't even have to try; she was already there.

Checkmate...

Setting up for the weekly chess game at Non's house.

Nonni is so good and never let's me win. Oh, the humanity!

Then again... tonight is different. Checkmate!

carpool...

A preschool pickup-smile for Nonni!

Nobody loves their kids more than I do. But when your own kids have kids? You feel like your heart is going to burst open. I've never known another group of humans who think I'm utterly perfect. I'll take it!

How does a red pea coat and polka-dot stockings get any better?

Okay. You are right. Black Mary Janes with heels completes the look.

hotness turns into notness...

I can tell I am getting to be a senior citizen when this young man looks like one of my sons.

How did this happen?

perspective...

Last year was terrible. I never knew what sick was until the thought of another chemo in my future could make me wish for death instead. I couldn't go up a flight of stairs or stand for any length of time. I couldn't taste food and would shake as I writhed in pain at night. It is only in that perspective that I began to wonder how I would live my life after such an ordeal.

I promised myself that if I ever got through it that I would do something to help other chemo patients. Writing about this sounds gratuitous but it isn't. I need to express my thoughts over the letters I have received after the article about my free massages for chemo patients. This is much bigger than I had imagined.

The letters of thanks are numerous, but the expression of suffering is beyond my comprehension. Some have lost the ability to talk, hear or use the toilet. It's overwhelming to understand (truly understand) how you feel about the fear and the loss of your normal life until this. My cancer seems pale in comparison to some of these people. I lost a year, but gained a waistline and a new attitude. I still don't have a metabolism but feel terrific and am moving forward in a much more positive light than before. No longer do I take my day for granted and know now that my health is not my birthright, but a gift.

I got a letter from a woman this morning who is lost in despair because of her husband's cancer. He has lost his joy or his will to go out of the house. They were inspired because I am positive and am moving ahead with this new life. I am not a financially wealthy woman. I have incurable lymphoma. I live in a middle-class neighborhood and go on middle-class vacations. I shop at Target for clothes and wear fake diamonds. My bedroom closet is too small for two people and so my husband uses one of the spares in the other room. We do a budget for Christmas and have to think before we give a loan to our children. I could use the money from a second income.

Nevertheless, I asked myself this year... how many pairs of stinkin' earrings do you really need, Sally? This is my life. I am blessed to have found a reason to live it.

How lucky am I?

Bachelor

I happened to run across The Bachelor tonight. I was drawn to the natural setting because they were visiting the mountains of Utah, and it was stunningly beautiful. Nevertheless, the show was like watching a bad car accident and it was impossible to turn away from the riveting, emotional carnage. Amidst the sunsets, the nature walks, the wine, the bitching and the romantic music there was.... duh, duh dahhhhhhhhhhhhn... the PRONOUN.

Bachelor and Bachelorette conversations:

"This was a big step in me and Ben's relationship."

"Him and I could be so happy."

"It will all be worth it for she and I."

"I want to stand on one knee and propose. (icing on the cake... here comes my favorite) "I take it just so serious."

Okay. I'm a snot. I would find sport in hurling these types from a sea cliff with iron fetters strapped to their ankles.

:/

domino family effect...

You have no patience, they have no patience. You yell, they yell. You disrespect women, so do they. Those little things that you impart are not so little. If your grandson has a dog collar, don't complain. You started it.

Ode to Etta

1938-2012

Leigh Viner

Seek it...

“Whatever truth we feel compelled to withhold, no matter how unthinkable it is to imagine ourselves telling it; not to is a way of spiritually holding our breath. You can only do it for so long.”

― Mark Nepo

I have offended people. I have walked away from family members and friends because of my truth. I do not strive to be popular, and I choose to be a loner by taking this path. I am authentically myself, and it has taken me years to hone this. It is who I am and what attracts me to others.

It is better to tell your truth quietly (and kindly) than explode inside from anger and regret. Strive at all cost to rise above the muck like Mother Theresa, but suppression of your truth is not the same thing and will eat you from the inside out like a monster on a mission. I've watched it from afar and experienced it from within.

Be honest to others, but mostly... be honest with yourself so your head doesn't blow off. It is much easier to be alone and be authentically who you are than keep lying and take the easier road to please other people.

Dig in, baby.

Ironman dating...

"Writing is easy. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein." --Red Smith

words and phrases I could do without...

that said...

closure...

emotionally charged...

enabler...

co-dependent...

at the end of the day...

"connect" as a noun...

totally...

let's do lunch...

sooo wrong...

whatEVER...

age-defying...

six-pack abs...

so totally...

so... in front of any adverb...

"read" as a noun

"you need a second colonoscopy..."

did not eject properly...

no offense but...

sounds like a plan...

No. This song does not relate to these dumb expressions. I just liked it.

Let them GO.

Have you ever had a person flick you in the face? It doesn't hurt, but just stings a little. Many people who say they love you do this. You forgive them because it may be so intermittent that you let it go. Then, even with "close" friends you start to see a pattern. You feel the first flick and you walk away. The next two, you are disappointed, but your cheek is getting a little pinker. After around ten to fifteen times, you feel the sting now even when they aren't in the room. Yes... you remember the last ten times that you were flicked in the face. When they are in your presence you begin to step away from them or worse... become defensive and irritable.

I have my Flick Barometer and once it measures too high, I don't go back for more. Sometimes the flick is the manifestation of being downright mean, but many times it is just for them being unnecessarily critical, boastful or rude. The flick of a finger can be a refusal to share in your successes, your joys or even by shooting down your ideas. Friends don't do that. For me, a flick can be a lack of a thank you or the omission of an apology. One of my biggest flicks is discovering that someone is a fair-weather-friend. I don't like those. When my Flick Barometer unearths one of those types... my head says *dingdingding* and... I do not go back for more.

I will not call them. I will not ask them to come over for dinner. I will not text them or braid their stinkin' hair. I will take great pride in cutting them off at the knees and ignoring the bastards for life.

I am just that good to myself.

Rick, Mitt, Newt?

What happened to candidates like Abraham, Benjamin, and Theodore? This is scaring me. In twenty years we will be seeing Dizzy, Crystal and Nicole.

oy.

Presimorphosis 1861-2032

Carlotta Cortez circa 1987

DIVA

paint it...

It is a decision.

This is not a diet.

Then why does eating responsibly feel like a diet?

Out of the closet...

She is clothed with strength and dignity; She laughs at the days to come." -Proverbs 31:25

.

There was a lot of arguing at home when I was little. I wasn't part of it because I chose not to be and removed myself physically from the scene. Usually it involved my brother who lost something, broke something, forgot something, smoked something, flushed something, drove into something, stubbed something, ripped something, ignored something, or blew something up. My brother was a curious, intelligent sort. I was a simpler-minded species and yearned for peace at all cost even if I had to hide inside my closet. I didn't need an ipod back then to be able to tune out the chaos, but paid dearly with the amount of time spent alone in my room.

People wonder why I talk so much. When you spend your childhood talking to yourself, the desire for human communication becomes like crystal. Nevertheless, isolation builds certain life skills to combat chronic loneliness. I found humor in all things, which gets me through awful situations to this day. If I can't control a scenario I decorate it, ice it, laugh at it or remove myself mentally from the scene of the crime. This has helped me to cope with the most terrible, scary things in my life. Little Sally just goes to her room, rearranges her closet, moves all of the pictures on her wall, tries on clothes making herself into a pirate wench, dresses up like a character from Little Women, builds elaborate forts with bed clothes, or immerses herself in a song, a painting or a book. I was notorious for moving my furniture around and am not sure to this day whether it was out of creativity or boredom. I baked. I whipped up meringues, coffee cakes, gingerbread houses, brownies and sugar cookies. I was allowed to bake sweets, but not allowed to eat sweets. Little did my mother know that I baked the goodies in order to lick the damn bowl, and to this day would rather eat the dough than an actual cookie. This is not about the sugar or about the cookie dough, but is about the control.

That kind of control with food became crazier as time progressed with hiding food, throwing up food, bouts of anorexia, and later... marrying the biggest foodie on the face of the Earth.

There is strength and dignity in knowing who you are, admitting who you are and why you behaved the way you did. You can look back and cry at it or reflect on it and laugh, move forward, and understand that in the face of an abusive and dangerous childhood that you survived. I did one helluva job moving forward and not repeating the same scenario for my own children. They may never understand why I am so silly, why I become obsessed with a new project, or can spend hour after hour on a computer writing a book or crafting a story, but I have skills to reinvent myself monthly, which has its perks. Also, my children know that I never gave up on them once or gave them what was given to me.

Rearranging my closet hasn't been easy, but I did it.

yes...

Goodwill...

I am the kind of person to spend $199.99 on orthotics and take my sneakers there. Yes, I call them sneakers still.

Sometimes, I hate myself.

Candy Land

We had a chili-hot-dog-watch-the-Steelers-fall-apart party last night.

I had invited the fiance of a friend who had died across the street two years ago. My neighbor had been jogging near our house and had dropped dead of unknown causes. The fiance and I were not friends but because we had shared the experience of knowing Rosemary we were connected. I am no longer worried about making small-talk with a person who has suffered an adversity. When you have had your own brand of misfortune it clears the air a bit as though two terrible things cancel out the other. It had been an advantage for me in the past losing my dad so young. You come to understand that most people are afraid to bring up a tragic death or a terminal disease to those who have suffered, but in the contrary most who have gone through the loss need to vent even years later. You only understand this if you are part of it.

The old widow who may have lost her husband is left in the corner of a party alone because most people are thinking that if you bring it up it might cause her pain. This is not true. What they fail to understand is that as she stands alone with the gin and tonic in her hand the loss is a part of her and it feels good to talk about him. Most people don't get this and treat the poor woman like a leper as though the husband had never existed.

The fiance was somewhat awkward with me as he walked in the door but after seeing my boyish hair which was a horse of a different color we had a good laugh in spite of ourselves. We found each other becoming very philosophical over our life experience and ignored most of the bad football game. We had much to share. The funeral and letters of support were long gone for him and going to work and having those around him never mention his loss was commonplace. It was good to talk about Rosemary for him and for me... and there was little that we didn't touch upon.

All the while, our conversation in the kitchen was amidst the flurry of my three granddaughters chasing each other through the kitchen. This chaos was much to the chagrin of their dad who wanted five (just five) minutes of pretending that he was a bachelor watching the game. Poor dear. He can forget that one. Gwen is sixteen- months-old and was pushing some cart around the house - I think she clocked in at least two miles of running by the end of the night. Reese, who just turned four was quietly settled into watching a Smurf movie sipping some juice, and then there was Lily. Lily is the reincarnation of her dad... and in this case genes are a real payback. Lily, like her dad, is never happy with the activity of the moment. If we are watching a movie, Lily wants to know what we are going to be doing after the movie. And after that if we are going to have an ice cream, and after that if is she allowed to stay up too late and after that... you get the picture.

At this juncture in the evening, Lily is not happy. She is five-years-old and is bored with the Smurf movie, has played two rounds of chess with her dad, and is wandering around aimlessly with that look of do-something-for-me-now-or-I-will-make-you-pay-dearly. During my philosophical conversation with the fiance of my deceased neighbor Lily is asking me for hot cocoa and wants to know (as I am now discussing the difficulty for him in dealing with two funerals for Rosemary) if we have any of the good marshmallows, which I am scrambling around the pantry to find. Lily is a darling child but, just like her dad, will make you suffer if you don't listen to her needs-of-the-moment. I can multitask so I am doing just fine with the details of the funeral and marshmallow search simultaneously.

I look at Lily and I can see a look of despair. She is a very smart little girl and is going to be in trouble if she isn't stimulated intellectually beyond the damn cocoa. I excuse myself in an opportune moment and tell Lily to go into the piano room and wait for something wonderful that I've cooked up for her. Her eyes light up.

I excused myself, took a step-stool into the laundry room and dusted off an old Candy Land game and brought it to her. Lily loves games and if you let her win she will become unglued with joy. As I was being sent back to gumdrop lane and Lily was headed towards the sheer delight of two double blues and one green card towards a preschool victory, I had another moment of cancer clarity. I admitted to myself that I would never (ever) have left that stimulating adult conversation a year ago to enjoy a game of Candy Land, but (yes) I am different now.

I, my friends, am a horse of a different color.

Resolutions

I didn't make any.

I am happy to be alive even if I have a potbelly and back fat.

The freedom is glorious

I've never worked out harder - I am Lance stinkin' Armstrong

I am...

Happy

Powerful

Connected

Peaceful

Positive

I have..

Perspective

A beautiful life

Energy like a wild woman

The desire to workout

Good nutrition

The power to change any bad habit

Habits of good self-talk

I don't..

Take anything personally

Make assumptions

Talk about people in a mean way (this is my most challenging - people can be just so darn stupid sometimes, right?)

I always...

Do my best

Thank you, TOLTEC SPIRIT GUIDE!

yes, i do... and no I don't...

I miss the sound of my brother playing the guitar. I love to run sprints... or maybe I really love the feeling afterwards. I am so happy to be away from sugar and chemicals which made me foggy for fifteen years. I love being clear-headed without it. I love people when they are kind... it can make me smile all day. I love to sail. I love making snow angels with my grandchildren. I love to let the girls play with my jewelry for hours and hours. I love when the sun comes in my window on the bed. I love my iphone a little too much but probably won't use Siri. I miss my dad. I am sensitive to things but mostly sensitive to people. I am being a lot nicer to myself since I've had cancer. I don't even have a resolution this January... I think I will just be happy to wake up in the morning. If I have to do that with an imperfect body, oh well. I am addicted to working out and am in awe with Zuzana on bodyrocktv.com (she is an animal). I will come back in my next life with abs. This life is okay without them. I love being honest with myself and not being all things to all people. Some days I swear like a truck-driver and I don't care that some people in my life don't get that. I've never sworn AT people. I don't believe in the dogma of religion but am one of the most religious people I know.I love chipotle sweet potato fries and good whiskey. I miss singing in my band.

:/

I am 135 on my license. I refuse to change it... it is my goal weight. It works for me even though they won't know who the stranger is in the car accident.

I am so damn tired of dieting that my New Years resolution is to stop thinking about it. I have decided to love myself... All of myself, even the bad parts. I have accomplished so much this year during cancer that if I were under 135 I would be completely self-centered and obnoxious. People would not know how to deal with the bragging.

Just sayin'

Ride this Llama and don't fall off...

The real source of happiness involves one’s state of mind, outlook, and motivation, and one’s level of warmheartedness towards others. ~Dalai Lama

beauty

This is such a good reminder of what is important. We tend to focus on earthly things that are insignificant and petty. I am the same... I am just like you. But, it you look within and focus on the beauty of a spiritual life, you will see it all differently. What we see on this earth is only temporal, beyond our control, narrow in outlook, materially driven, socially motivated, small and of little importance. Just BE. Quit trying so hard. Your time here is short even though day-to-day it seems long. Enjoy the breeze because one day it will be still and you won't have a chance to feel the joy of it on your face.

Harold and Irma

Harold and Irma have been married for over 50 years and they never fight, argue or disagree. Their secret?

They can't see or hear each other.

ah...

The body of an eighteen-year-old and the mind of a sixty-year-old = the perfect human.

I wish...

I wish I could tell young women not to worry so much.

I wish I could make them realize how beautiful they look.

I wish they could see the perfection of their skin, and the comfort of their waistline in a pair of jeans.

I wish young mothers would relax... everything will be fine.

I wish I could tell them to give their children very few material things.

I wish they could feel how fast it is until they leave you.

I wish they could always have the perspective of a ninety-year-old looking back, and be as kind as they can.

I wish they could realize that one day their house will be neat and now it simply doesn't matter.

I wish they would pick their battles because if they battle over everything --->they won't win.

I wish I would have listened more and talked less.

I wish I could bottle what I did with my kids and sell it because I...

could be a stinkin' Ka-zillionaire.

Reese

there are no words to describe her adorable-ness

:/

I came home to THIS in the mail...

Yes... but are you kidding me?