perspective...

Last year was terrible. I never knew what sick was until the thought of another chemo in my future could make me wish for death instead. I couldn't go up a flight of stairs or stand for any length of time. I couldn't taste food and would shake as I writhed in pain at night. It is only in that perspective that I began to wonder how I would live my life after such an ordeal.

I promised myself that if I ever got through it that I would do something to help other chemo patients. Writing about this sounds gratuitous but it isn't. I need to express my thoughts over the letters I have received after the article about my free massages for chemo patients. This is much bigger than I had imagined.

The letters of thanks are numerous, but the expression of suffering is beyond my comprehension. Some have lost the ability to talk, hear or use the toilet. It's overwhelming to understand (truly understand) how you feel about the fear and the loss of your normal life until this. My cancer seems pale in comparison to some of these people. I lost a year, but gained a waistline and a new attitude. I still don't have a metabolism but feel terrific and am moving forward in a much more positive light than before. No longer do I take my day for granted and know now that my health is not my birthright, but a gift.

I got a letter from a woman this morning who is lost in despair because of her husband's cancer. He has lost his joy or his will to go out of the house. They were inspired because I am positive and am moving ahead with this new life. I am not a financially wealthy woman. I have incurable lymphoma. I live in a middle-class neighborhood and go on middle-class vacations. I shop at Target for clothes and wear fake diamonds. My bedroom closet is too small for two people and so my husband uses one of the spares in the other room. We do a budget for Christmas and have to think before we give a loan to our children. I could use the money from a second income.

Nevertheless, I asked myself this year... how many pairs of stinkin' earrings do you really need, Sally? This is my life. I am blessed to have found a reason to live it.

How lucky am I?