the truth...

The truth is that chemo changes you, your energy and your youthful zest - I was a little firecracker before this nonsense and now... not so much. I am in pain every day and my joints are as stiff as a skeleton sans ligaments, connective tissue or tendons. My neck, back and all joints are all as stiff as an ironing board.

My thirst is over the top and I can't go out of the house without a water bottle. I can't walk without a fanny pack that I don't own, so I tend to forget and suffer like a woman on a desert.

I have fear of October 21st's petscan because I'm not sure what they are going to say. I am doing a Lymphoma walk on October 15th with the family - I am team "Sally Did it" and it is to raise money for research. I never thought I could have been a part of this club.

ugh.

grace and my peeps..

definition of grace #1 and #2:

1. Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion. 2. A characteristic or quality pleasing for its charm or refinement. So... my outer personality doesn't fit into any of this "refined/charming" notion, but my inner-self is completely effortless in my movement through life. I am odd in that way. I've always felt different than most people especially when it comes to death. I don't want a lymphoma support group because these people seem to be afraid and edgy over dying. I am no more afraid of what I have than I am being fearful of some crazy terrorist blowing up a football game I attend. I have cried very little. The only thing that puts a lump in my throat is thinking about my peeps crying about me. Their sadness makes me crumble just thinking about it. I can even get depressed over my dog missing me. Then there is the inevitable worry over the timeline of death. But, I can even justify that by realizing that at 60, I'll be dead in 20 years anyway, so why the hell get jazzed up about the "when" of it. We don't know much. As a matter of fact, we don't know anything at all, but we DO know that we are going to die. I have received more gracious gifts from this experience than bad things. People who normally wouldn't be so nice to me are beyond attentive (I find this unnerving and strange) but I'll take it. My family treats me like Pippa, so what do I have to worry about? I don't have to work. I don't even have to clean my own house since even Bruce bends over backwards to find a way to help me to heal. Is this suffering? His salary makes my life a cakewalk and so, how I could possibly remove myself from grace while handling this disease? That would be selfish and stupid. I feel like a queen. I may be a lymphoma-queen but (hey) I'm still a queen. My meditation is my way of life, not something I have to take out the time to do. I am one with the spirit even at Walmart. I am not afraid. I am completely ready. Every hour I have left here is a nice bit of icing. Fortunately, my family-happiness-cake was baked years ago - and I just sail through every joyful moment with my peeps. Lucky me to be able to conjure up a smile when I think of what I've built here in this thing we call life. It's all about your peeps, ya know. I love them so very much.

Giving thanks to wake up today.... oh yes.

Thank you Robert!

I love my Beautiful Barley. It is really doing the trick with energy and helping my immune system to heal. I could get on people's nerves with my hyperness.

ooops. I already get on people's nerves.

the holidays...

Ya better watch out; ya better not cry....

911

All I can think about are all those innocent people and their families. Heartbreaking.

oh my

I found a lump under my clavicle yesterday and called the dermatologist when.... my friend Mo (a breast cancer "survivor") shook me up a bit over coffee and told me to call my oncologist ASAP.

I hate that word "survivor" because it is so overused but the alternative ain't so pretty. Whatever.

I called him.

I waited for 1.5 hours (love doctors) and the NP came in and looked perplexed because she couldn't tell what it was either.

fear.

waiting.... waiting....

Okay, I am now reading a magazine devoted to the Holy City, which is completely mesmerizing as I am drinking my low-fat frappuccino... I'm not sure if I am really concentrating about the Western Wall, Dome of the Rock or my funeral next year. Will Bruce play my favorite Gospel music? Probably not.

I'm rambling off the topic. Sorry.

So, the NP goes to get the doctor. (another 20 minutes of waiting)

I am now worrying with the damn lump to the point of it sporting a purple glow and becoming more nervous. I am realizing that this type of fear will be my next challenge in life because even zits will become a situation. Fun.

Doc comes in. Checks it out. Looks concerned for a moment because it is so close to the lymph node area... then

decides...

Go home. You are fine. Sebaceous thing-a-ma-giggy, whatcha-ma-call-it.

byebye. I am beginning to hate being sick.

It sucks the big one.

feel great!

The latest Santa look. I'm keeping it and going to the barber for a #2.

Explanation of da Cancer situation:

For slow-growing lymphomas, long-term survival is common, although they cannot be cured. More aggressive tumors are more dangerous, but a permanent cure is possible. The lymphoma type, its effects, and its growth rate determine the best treatment.

I have the slow, incurable kind. Am I happy about this? No. But it is what it is and I just have to move on - I feel great and am doing everything I normally do - except work, which I think is over for me. I'm just enjoying my life and making the best of things. I still get super tired and am on the net too much but I can, so I do.

I am continuing to shrink which makes me happy. I don't have any idea how I lived with a waist over 40" for so long but now at least I have an explanation.

I get another chemo drug in November after I get the petscan in October. Oh how fun. If I lose my hair I won't have much to lose, eh?

Can't wait until it gets cooler - the weather here is like an oven.

Peace out.