grace and my peeps..

definition of grace #1 and #2:

1. Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion. 2. A characteristic or quality pleasing for its charm or refinement. So... my outer personality doesn't fit into any of this "refined/charming" notion, but my inner-self is completely effortless in my movement through life. I am odd in that way. I've always felt different than most people especially when it comes to death. I don't want a lymphoma support group because these people seem to be afraid and edgy over dying. I am no more afraid of what I have than I am being fearful of some crazy terrorist blowing up a football game I attend. I have cried very little. The only thing that puts a lump in my throat is thinking about my peeps crying about me. Their sadness makes me crumble just thinking about it. I can even get depressed over my dog missing me. Then there is the inevitable worry over the timeline of death. But, I can even justify that by realizing that at 60, I'll be dead in 20 years anyway, so why the hell get jazzed up about the "when" of it. We don't know much. As a matter of fact, we don't know anything at all, but we DO know that we are going to die. I have received more gracious gifts from this experience than bad things. People who normally wouldn't be so nice to me are beyond attentive (I find this unnerving and strange) but I'll take it. My family treats me like Pippa, so what do I have to worry about? I don't have to work. I don't even have to clean my own house since even Bruce bends over backwards to find a way to help me to heal. Is this suffering? His salary makes my life a cakewalk and so, how I could possibly remove myself from grace while handling this disease? That would be selfish and stupid. I feel like a queen. I may be a lymphoma-queen but (hey) I'm still a queen. My meditation is my way of life, not something I have to take out the time to do. I am one with the spirit even at Walmart. I am not afraid. I am completely ready. Every hour I have left here is a nice bit of icing. Fortunately, my family-happiness-cake was baked years ago - and I just sail through every joyful moment with my peeps. Lucky me to be able to conjure up a smile when I think of what I've built here in this thing we call life. It's all about your peeps, ya know. I love them so very much.