The latest one was as I was embarking on #3 of chemo 2. As I sat in the waiting room a scrawny woman with very long hair sat beside me. I asked her if she had an appointment and she said - "oh yes." And I said... well look at you, as I jutted my chin towards her long hair. She said, "oh my - it has been 20 years since my melanoma and I have had lots of years to grow it back." I asked her if she was scared for her appointment. It was none of my business but when you are in the cancer club, you are allowed to talk about personal things to others in the club. She said "she was terrified." After being in remission for 20 years, she had to get her petscan every year, and every year is terrified for its return. The fear is a part of every day existence. I understood.
I'm reading a book that is the overview of Buddhist thought called Siddhartha. It is about young man who leaves his father's home to find his bliss - he is unhappy and is very sure that it is out there to be found. So, he goes on a journey - one of deprivation, and then one of money and privledge. But he comes to the conclusion that it is within him that he can find the true bliss of things so simple that they cannot be explained. He suddenly walks around seeing every nuance of beauty and describes everything in grand, glorious detail.
"All of this had always existed, and he had not seen it; he had not been with it. Now he was with it, he was part of it. Light and shadow ran through his eyes, stars and moon ran through his heart."
This is what the cancer club gives you. I walk around with the bliss that was always there. Kind of like the Wizard of Oz and Glinda. She says, "Home is a place we all must find, child. It's not just a place where you eat or sleep. Home is knowing. Knowing your mind, knowing your heart, knowing your courage. If we know ourselves, we're always home, anywhere."
I adore this new fear, which has opened my eyes to the beauty within myself.
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