Cancer family effect...

I think a dreadly disease gives perspective to everyone involved, but most especially with your family. I find it interesting how it affects each child of mine in various ways and also amazed to see how dissimilar they are to one another. My oldest son pretends that it never happened. He has never mentioned it, never showed up at chemo, and asks me to babysit any time of day or night. After bumping into one of his friends I found out that that is the way he deals with it... we are extremely close and yet his friends also tell me that he never brings it up and changes the subject when they do. It is his way to cope.

My middle two sons are the men with the feminine side. They wouldn't like this analysis, but there is nothing dearer to me than a man who can cry, talk about their sad times, share their insecurities or do those little things that make your heart break. My son, Josh, writes too and makes a book for his wife every Christmas. When he was here last weekend, he read 2011 to me... and in the middle of it realized that he mentioned my illness, and (in doing so) broke down in tears. It's hard to have a clue as to how this hurts those in my life - not knowing if I will even get through this year is so hard for them. This is what breaks my heart about cancer - to hurt the ones you love so deeply is beyond heartbreaking. Yesterday, he sent me his children's book... I helped him edit it, and am going to illustrate it for him with all my spare time. What a great thing to be able share this between us during this time.

My third son has not surprised me in his reaction to all this. Jake is a person you tell your secrets to, and does things for me that many men his age would never consider. During chemo, he would come next to my bed and just rub my feet while I was asleep. There isn't a day when he doesn't call and mention my illness. These are moments in your life that you don't forget - even when you pretend to be asleep. He shows his worry the most, and he is my sensitive boy. Even this flu of mine this week made him fret for a bit until I started feeling better. A woman will be lucky to have him as their partner one day.

Then there is Rachel, my strong-willed, sensitive, creative and guarded daughter. We are nothing alike. I look at her and see my husband who is also guarded and (acts) unemotional with people. (the opposite is true). The funny thing is, she is the most social out of all of us, but I run a close second. Rachel has been a little like her oldest brother (by ignoring things) but sends me "high-five-you'll-do-fine-don't-worry-so-much" texts. Her texts are frequent but very "buck-it-up-cheerleader-esque."

Ironically, you need all different types of support. Bruce's reaction has been more culinary-like in his sympathy. You know, "would you like some capers on that lymph node?" or "how bout some Vodka sauce on that chemo body-ache"? You need a myriad of reactions because sometimes you crave the awwww, the tears with your friends, or just sympathy ----so you might have a clue that someone actually cares. But most of the time you couldn't possibly live with that overkill, and the "get-on-with-it-bacon-and-eggs-bone-marrow-test reaction is much more soothing. I'm glad I live with Bruce because the hard-ass approach is probably best for the daily cancer-diet. The non-reaction is more important than they realize because it makes me feel like a normal healthy mom. God, I wish I were.

I am lucky enough that I have so much family that I get to pick the reaction of the day. All of them count, even when there is no reaction at all.

Kurt

I am spending most of the day reading my book out loud to the voice recorder on my phone. My friend, Kurt, is blind. Even though most people in this world aren't clamoring to buy my book on Amazon, my friends are curious. He has asked me several times when it will be out in audio version. To me, that is so sweet because this book isn't going to be marketed like so many, and that won't be the case. My mother-in-law says she keeps looking at the reviews in the paper even though I tell her, no... it won't be, but she looks anyway. I continue to like to look at my book on the shelf in the living room because it is enough. I have no expectations or illusions of grandeur beyond my bookshelf. I am as proud of the cover as I am what's inside but that is the artist in me.

After all, I am not a Kardashian, or Herman Cain's wife, or someone who murdered her parents in the dark of the night. I am a person who likes to write stories. If you can find the one thing you like to do, it doesn't matter if you make any money at at it - for the joy in doing it is enough.

So, today I will be recuperating in bed and recording my book with my sultry, sick Demi Moore voice. Not too bad for Emily, I think.

Sexy blind.

We wear many hats...

My friends think I look like a dominatrix here (S.W., author)

This is the way I feel most days... Sal, Super Star!

Tonight, I'm going with the dominatrix. Don't screw with me - I have body aches.

uh...

flu.

first Amazon review...

If I only touch a few people, I've done what I set out to do. Cool.

"I was instantly captivated by Feldman's 'truer than most people think' depiction of a woman who just wants to be heard. There were several times through this giftedly crafted read when I felt that the narrator was speaking of my own life rather than that of a fictional character. With grace, charm, humility, witt and an endless amount of humor, the portrayal of 'Emily' was brought to life with each passing page. To say that I thoroughly enjoyed this book is an understatement. As a married woman of twenty-two years, I can relate to how 'just being heard' could indeed open pandora's box to a myriad of thoughts and emotions. After reading of 'Emily's' experience, I no longer feel like I am the only square peg who is desperately trying to fit into a suburbian hole. S.W. Feldman has captured an element of 'mundane' and has turned it into something brilliantly witty, fun and highly entertaining. I sincerely look forward to many more "Weeks" spent in this author's company."

Vivaldi and Disney

I have a bone to pick with Disney. Why do they have to ruin every single book and make it into a new movie? When I was a little girl, I thought that Beauty and the Beast carried such power, romance and mystery. I read it a hundred times. Now, I can't even think of it without wondering about Gaston and his cronies and the music that someone invented to make us think of the movie - not the book, but the movie. I feel sorry for this generation because they are missing the story - the essence.

Oh God... sounding like my mother.

Then there are Vivaldi's FOUR SEASON concertos (1723). They have beaten the Spring to death, cremated and had after-lives of it, though you rarely hear of the others.

WINTER - too frenetic for my hyper-ness

SUMMER- I love the beginning but at the middle - makes me need decaf -

AUTUMN - a nice little waltz befitting of Disney

SPRING - and then there is the one that has been beaten down to a pulp on Burger King commercials and Ferris Beuller movies. I'm sad that I like this one the best - the violin is to die for... but commercialism, just like Disney, destroys the sweetness and makes it into a forgettable Burger-beast.

Sad.

a book review...

This is great! It seems that either people don't get TWO WEEKS or want to read it three times. I loved this:

"You have officially inspired me to want to learn how to dance, play the piano, learn French and color my hair the shade of a Raven. You make it sound so "Normal" and almost soothing to have coffee rings on countertops, socks with holes in the toes, nylons with runs, separate bedrooms, separate interests, secret thoughts, hidden ambitions and simmering passions. If I didn't know better, Sal, I would think you were trying to steal my identity!!!!! I love you, I love you, I love you and all your wild, crazy, fun, witty, intelligent and down-to-earth normalness! x0x0x0x0x0x0x"

Touching one person may be enough for me.

*smiling*

$

Why do people brag about their money? If I had it, I would never brag about it because that makes no sense to me.

Do people brag because they are insecure or just insensitive? Let's face it, it is terribly impressive that they can do whatever they like, go wherever they want and indulge themselves in anything that Nordstroms has to offer... good for them. How enlightening! How stinkin' earth shattering.

Is it spiritually uplifting to have money? Does that automatically give them tenderness or a soft place to fall when they are lonely? Right. The ATM machine is such a warm and fuzzy place to confide your secrets. Does money give then their health or the ability to change the damn weather forecast? Better yet - does money ensure that God gives them a better life because (after all) owning more stuff makes them (uh) better?

I just had an argument with someone in my life who never fails to remind me of his ability to earn great amounts of dough and that he alone is the king of the almighty dollar bill - the buyer and hoarder of the expensive wine.

BS... I may puke.

I haven't had any money until right now, and the last thing I would do is to shove it up someone's butt that I have it and they don't. How crass. I once knew someone who gave my daughter extravagant gifts because he just wanted to do it. At the time, he was just like Jesus Christ and the fairy godfather all rolled up into one person. In times like these, when I have money and someone else doesn't, I MUST ask myself...

WWSD?

my manicure

We babysat all three girls tonight and they wore us down to a pulp. The teasing, the gnashing of teeth, the jumping on furniture, the consequent falling, the tears, the teasing each other more, the Alvin movie, the spilled drinks, Bruce saying "we will never do this again," my legendary, lengthy bedtime stories, more drinks, more bathroom visits, more pleading, and finally letting them give me a manicure in my bed - a bribe. If I would let them do it they said that they would go to bed without complaining.

My nails are now filed down to a nub. It was worth it.

RELIGION

Sorry. I can't take this organized club anymore. Even still, I could not have gotten through all this without GOD, meditation, Gospel music, prayer, joy, belief, faith, humor, Jesus, Buddha, the Tao, and the fact that I see the world HALF-FULL. If I didn't, I would live in desperate fear every day. It is a choice.

This is my church:

This is the tackiest youtube video I've ever seen, but the best version of this song that I could find. Put headphones on and close your eyes. (if you look at the video, you'll puke... it's like Currier and Ives on speed) Nevertheless, the music makes me want to go tell it on the mountain.

I can't listen to this without crying.