HAIIII YAAAAAH WAAT CHAAAA

I think that illness has many origins, most of which we have no clue. I want to figure it out – did I eat the lead paint from my crib? Am I sitting on Dioxin riddled farmland? Did I not wash my strawberries correctly? Am I so stressed that I don’t even know it? I feel relaxed but is it that inner stress from “certain” relationships (you know) the people in your life you want to suggest that they move to an iceberg in Anarctica. I have several of those.

In order to remove the stress from my life, I have decided to go with something I heard on the radio. It is called the karate chop of truth. Most of us will be offended by things but dance around the person out of politeness, talk about them behind their back, avoid their presence, say mean things you would normally never say, become completely defensive or take it to a new hillbilly height and just smack them upside the head with a frying pan.

I have decided at sixty-one-years-old that I will now be practicing the karate chop of truth. It is like ripping off a Bandaid rather than feel the pain slowly and methodically. I have someone in my life who (I have come to realize) makes me feel terrible every time I leave their house. If it isn’t my hair, it is my weight. If it isn’t my weight it is how dirty my car is. The list goes on and on, and I have finally decided to make it stop. The latest offense was telling me that their cousin died in the 90’s of Non-Hodgkins and that back then they only had a 30% chance of living and that I (now) have a 70% chance of living. What a complete dickhead. This person has said this four times now and I am ready for the karate chop of truth. It will be difficult, but in order to rid myself of this unneeded stress and raised level of cortisol, I must get in control of this thing.

I plan on telling this person that I have been holding out on my karate chop of truth (yes, I am using this phrase) but have held it back, thinking it might be rude or sting a little. I want them to know that my honesty is very important now to my health and that I am not allowing certain things in.

 HIYAAAAAAAA.

I don’t have to hurt their feelings. I just need to say, “Please don’t bring up statistics again. They aren’t a positive encouragement and I avoid Wikipedia for that reason.” Or.. “no, I’m not 112 lbs anymore. Yes, I am more Nigella than Giada and I can’t zip those pants, and I don’t want you to bring this up to me againnnn.” Or… “I don’t want you to puff out your face and tell me that that is what I looked like last year on the steroids.” WAAT CHAAAA!!!!!

This is a great way to eliminate stress. It is probably better than a my Xanax and a Mojito combined.

I get my results from another scan next Thursday so the stress level is at an all time high. I am not sure what the docs are going to say. I get the “good” chemo unless the cancer has come back but if so, I get the nasty, scary, evil drug. I have a positive attitude and know I can get through either the good or bad. Do I want to be bald again?  No. Do I want battery acid coming out of my butt? No. But between my green eating habits and the karate chop of truth… I may lick this thing. No wait… I change that. I’m GONNA lick this thing.

HAIIII YAAAAAH WAAT CHAAAA!!!!!