a last effort

Have you ever wanted a relationship with someone when you know you shouldn't have it? This seems to happen to me a lot. I do wonder why I continue to search for components of people that are the missing parts of those long lost areas in my life. I believe that we search for those pieces to fill ourselves up, but we rarely succeed.

Life isn't perfect. Relationships are certainly not perfect, but I do think that there are losses in your childhood that leave deep crevices in your soul that are never ever filled. These holes have a profound effect on current relationships. As they unfold, their connection to you is just like a freight train on a mission... there is no screeching stop at the crossroad to protect you from the inevitable crash as the impending accident approaches.

A friend of mine once told me that she had memories of being on a back porch in a snowsuit and was crying to come inside - it was clearly cold and she was a very little girl. Her mother took her large slippered foot and kicked her at the chest off the porch. The humiliation must have been unforgettable. These are things you just don't bury.

The problem with me is that I suppress things that have hurt me. I unearth them in inopportune times as I am driving in the car at night, or worse, when someone says something to me and I blow up for no reason. I have been hardwired to be wounded and am waiting to prance like a large cat on the next person who is unsuspectingly in my path. It may not be a comment that sounds hurtful to the innocent bystander. But for me it says, "you don't count, Sally... you are not important, you are not pretty enough, you are not smart enough, you definitely do not contribute in any way in this life, and generally we don't like you so you might as well just go jump off that cliff over there." It is very easy for people to take their foot and push little Sally off the porch (and, by the way) I allow them do it. I seem to search these types out on a regular basis.

That happened yesterday and my friend didn't even know what had actually happened. They said something that detonated that little bomb inside me and... BOOM. I take it to the bank, get inappropriately disturbed, and disengage the relationship because that is the easiest way to control it: to leave.

I don't have very many intimate relationships. I have lots of friends but very few that are intimate. This is for my own protection as I remain zipped up in my armored snowsuit. I'm usually waiting for the worst to happen because it surely will. People aren't perfect and can be insensitive, jealous and edgy. After all, they have their own childhoods to battle. I never get too close to them for fear of getting thwarted again.

I am far too afraid of that porch to even step out the door in the cold air.