heLL-o

I keep waiting for this last bout to be better but it hasn't been. I have an unspeakable side effect that you will have to use your imagination to guess the horror. I'm not going into it but that bastard Howdy Doody was involved. (I couldn't resist)

Needless to say, I'm not going out of the house very often because I can't. I have slept through the last 48 hours - not necessarily on drugs, but just that I couldn't get up at all. We are renovating the entire front of the house, so with the banging and dogs barking, I have no idea how I did it, but slept through it all. I have had entire windows opened to the outside (like the movie Money Pit) and I never woke up. I practically slept through my 60th birthday on Wednesday - thank God for my girlfriends who made me rally - and Brenda spent the night, so even though I felt bad, it was a good day filled with drug-induced laughter.

I am tired of being sick

I am tired of being tired

I am tired of not being able to exercise

I am tired of being too tired to go up and down the stairs

I am tired of being too tired to have a visitor more than 5 minutes

I am finally taking the drugs for pain and want to thank Nanny for introducing me to Percoset. I can now understand the addiction to prescription drugs. The only way they give this heinous treatment to children is to knock them out for a few months. Why do they think adults are different? You can't imagine this poison unless you have experienced it and drugs are the nly possible way to endure it. Ugh.

this is enough...

my new guru...

I've done this for nine days and I feel like a million bucks. I had chemo yesterday and I don't feel sick yet. I am waiting for the bomb to hit but so far, I feel like I could get on a treadmill.

hmmm.

I am making n appointment in the fall to meet Dr Lodi and have more nutritional support. I am going to heal. Period.

feel just great!!

Considering chemo week, I got some unbelievable news yesterday. My doc said that he thinks the tumor in my belly is "remarkably" smaller and he thinks I will be in remission by the summer. Made me want to cry and I think my chemo went much better due to my mental attitude. Yipppeeee.

Plus, I got these funnies from my friend Barbara:

And Janeen sent me some heart love and prayers!

How blessed I am to have such good friends.

xoxox

chemo today!

I have had the best five days. I think it is because physically I am doing a lot better on the juicing - even though it is a headache to clean that machine. I will be curious to see how well I feel this week since I have chemo today. I feel a little more anxious than normal knowing how sick the chemo makes me, but I guess that is to be expected.

I haven't been into writing so much so sorry if you are checking in and seeing nothing. The kids came home to celebrate my 60th early because the 27th will be a time when food won't taste so good. It was fun feeling better and seeing everyone - I am going to keep up the juicing - I can't believe how much better it makes me feel - and just one cupcake after the birthday dinner made me feel quite sick. Sugar is poison but much ore so in this circumstance. I like the idea of a raw diet but doing it completely is very hard if not impossible to do. I am 90% vegan but that is just a choice lately because meat does NOT appeal to me at all. I am not particularly impressed with the doctors here in Indiana who have not even suggested a nutritionist, and don't seem to care what I eat. To me, it is common sense to "up" my nutrition to build some good cells to fight the cancer. I have done the research and a raw food diet is the protocol for most cancer patients in more evolved cities around the world. I will eat as much raw food as I can, but with my Jewish mother husband, it isn't easy.

He has chicken soup defrosted for tonight.

It is almost 4am and I wish I could have slept through the night. Anxiety is killing the cat. Maybe an episode of Modern Family will do the trick. I will take the CDs to chemo - anxiety is lessened by laughter. Thank you to the Heyworths who seemed to know what I needed before I did.

xo

S

great week!

Such a lovely week for feeling great! I started a regimen of juicing, and although it is a pain to do because of the clean-up, it seems to be the way to go with nutrition. I am feeling so darn energized from it. I haven't figured out whether it is psychological or physical but I don't care - I'm doing it.

I went out lunch twice this week, and have been walking every day. Tomorrow the kids are all coming in to celebrate my 60th since I'll be sick on the 27th - This birthday even sounds funny. 60? I do need to mature one day, and become a bonafide adult. I feel like eventually I will figure it out and listen to more appropriate music, and become far more serious. I don't think it is actually going to happen but I can dream, right? You know that serious adult voice that 60 year-old women use? I haven't mastered it yet. Being twelve still works for me.

Have I mentioned I love being bald? If it weren't for the social stigma, I would be bald forever. There is NOTHING like taking a shower with a bald head. Ahhhh!

Shake and go. I love it.

Feeling it...

LIFEFORCE, baby.

I am on my third day of super juicing and I feel like I have had caffeine and want to run five miles. There is something to this. I had three green super-duper-uber green drinks, and I can't even go to bed. I may hang out with MCG and go run at night. I am on CHEMO and I want to go box somebody in the ring and become a WWE diva and slam my cancer-dreadly down on the mat. BAMBAM. I want to lift. I want to run - I can't even sleep. The test will be next Monday when they poison me again with this shit.

I am energized. I will not let this drag me down and out. I am going to take it from three drinks to eight next week. I am channeling Jack Lalanne.

Wait. I AM Jack Lalanne. Livin' it large 'til I'm 89.

Bruce taking care of business his own way...

I think Bethany College might have been a good move on my part. He is such a good Jewish mother.

an unexpected phone call...

My brother is working with Jonathan Winters, and he had him call me yesterday. My brother and I were completely addicted to Mr. Winters when we were kids. Having the cancer dance-card does have its advantages.

So weird.

I have had around three days of unexpected fabulous - but haven't written because I am just relishing feeling so much like myself. I even went out to lunch with a friend. I keep waiting for the bomb to hit again but so far it hasn't. I have decided to (waaaaay) up my fruits and vegetables, so could that be it? Dunno - but happy for what I used to take for granted.

I have a cute story. My friend, Bitsy, wrote to me that she lights a lemongrass candle for me every day wishing me good health and white healing light... so every night she blows out the candle and says, "Goodnight Sally." That was sweet enough, but then... she was getting ready for bed, and heard her husband out in the hall blowing out the candle and saying "Goodnight, Sally." I've never met him.

So many gifts that sometimes they are hard to count up.

whoa...

Well that was unexpected.

I can't imagine that chemo would have been a walk in the park but I wasn't expecting the crushing depression along with it. I have figured this 20 day chemo-cycle out: 10 days of hell and then 10 days of just feeling lousy. Not fun.

I did get some good advice from Brenda though, and watched five seasons of WEEDS. Maybe it was because it made my life feel normal? It took me away to a different land, and maybe that is (just) what Dr. Craig ordered. Today I woke up to birds chirping and realized that I only have 17 days before I am 60. This is certainly not what I anticipated. The kids want to do some kind of party, but I may pass. I hate the melodrama of NOT doing something, but being a part of a "party" at this point seems overwhelming. I had a wonderful surprise 59th, so let's just let it go. I don't feel 60 anyway.

I bet it I interviewed most people at 60 they would all feel the same way. You get to be an adult around 27 and you blink and BAM you are 60. Life is far to short for all this complaining. This week I am getting my paints out.

I'll let you know how it goes.

well...

The Dreadlys look me out this week. I won't go into details, but I haven't been well enough to even talk on the phone. I said a while ago that if this takes on some kind of complaining-fest that I would stop. So, I did.

No amount of TV can combat the boredom that I feel at this time. I've never been a fan of television, but at this point, reading is too hard because of the headaches. It is tempting to take a sleeping pill in the afternoon and one at night, but that is excessive and too scary to contemplate. Pure and simple: this experience has made me want to check out. Sometimes, it will be 9 am and I am already bored and wonder how I can make it until the afternoon, let alone the evening.

There is no justice in life because when you are working, all you think about is time off, but during those times you never could imagine a vacation from life - during your life.

Sometimes, I think of this as a way to just enjoy a few months off from any responsibility. If it weren't for the obvious terror of what comes next, I might be able to justify all the fun.

But the terror remains.

Dreadly locks...